[The following text is a satirical confession, intended to highlight the absurdity of Tunisian justice under the Islamist-led government, where acts of violence or vandalism are tacitly supported while sleeping on a beach is prosecuted as a threat to society.]
Al-Nahia court in the city of Menzel Temime is currently reviewing the case filed against myself, the journalist Mehdi Jalasi, and another girl, on charges of “immorality” and “disturbing the peace” following our arrest last August on a remote beach in Kelibia.
On the day in question, about twenty policemen raided our tents, which we had set up on a deserted stretch of coast. They undoubtedly noticed the tremendous disturbance we were causing as we slept, and the threat we posed to the morality of this empty place.
Aside from this incident, the authorities have completely overlooked my long list of criminal activities since the revolution, a record which should qualify me for a lengthy stay in one of Tunisia’s most disgusting prisons.
I confess that not a week has passed since the ousting of former president Zine al- Abidine Ben Ali that I have not incited the people to launch a jihad in the name of God, and called for sweeping the infidels from the land of Islam.
I invented the famous saying "choke on your spite!"
I smuggled weapons across the Libyan border, and underwent combat training to purify the country from the atheist seculars.
I am the one who shut down Kasr al-Abdellia and banned the artists from presenting their work.
I accompany the militias of the ruling party, which I use to strike down anyone who dares question the best government since Tunisia`s independence.
I am that bearded man who joined the Salafists in attacking shops that sell alcohol and spread sedition and corruption across our pure homeland.
I am the one who fueled the rage after Nesma TV broadcast an animated film that our esteemed sheikhs perceived as an attempt to destroy our true religion.
I am the mastermind behind all the violent acts against the headquarters of political parties that seek to ruin the government.
I am the one who described the removal of the Tunisian flag from the University of Manuba as a great victory in the history of Islamic conquests.
I am the person who attacked the thinker Hamadi Radissi and the journalist Ziad Krichen in front of the media in Bab al-Banat Street.
The police, who seem not to have fallen in line with the ruling party, have arrested me several times for these heinous crimes. But despite a veritable mountain of evidence, the prosecution refused to refer me to the courts on the grounds that calling for jihad was a minor offense compared to “disturbing the peace” of an isolated beach.
Indeed, this is an atrocious crime, and I, its perpetrator, must be banished from society.
Long live the public prosecution, guardian of the morality of the country`s people, seas, and sands.
[This article was originally published on Al Akhbar.]